Friday 13 December 2013

Gogglebox and the spiral of doom

The wife keeps putting Gogglebox on. It's a show on channel 4 that features people who have had cameras strapped to the TV in their living room. Everything they say and do while watching TV is recorded, then edited together.
I'm describing this in a matter of fact way, that belies how much this programme makes me want to shoot myself in the face. My god its awful. It makes me wish for a zombie apocalypse, and that said apocalypse would happen while the Gogglebox cameras were rolling.

The narrator tells us which programme they are all watching, and then it switches between the various different living rooms. Then we watch them all play up to the cameras. Kill me now (no, I'm serious! Why are you laughing?)
At one point,  a very, very low point, the programme they were watching was another Channel 4 travesty, a reality TV show set in the men's toilets at a nightclub. I shit you not (sorry), I was literally watching somebody watching somebody else having a piss. What has the world come to? As a civilization, can we get any lower than this? Are there actually any depths left to plumb?
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm slowly turning into Charlie Brooker. Maybe I'm destined to hate more and more things the older I get. Maybe this is a really original idea, deftly executed and the rest of the country are giving Gogglebox a standing ovation.

"BRAVO! The inter-cut footage of the drunken teenager having a massive shit was an absolute master stroke! I'm so glad we stopped watching Panorama!".

In twenty years time I can well imagine a talking heads style show looking back at all this with reverence. Like 2013 is the Golden (sorry) age of live proxy pissing.

I'm sure this all started with big brother. I watched the first series of big brother and absolutely loved it. It was new, different, and I didn't know what was going to happen. Well, to be honest not a lot did happen. It should have been left at that. One series. But that opened the door for a whole host of wankfests. And here I am years later, wiping foul smelling televisual ejaculate off my face on an almost daily basis.
Someone get me my cyanide capsules.

Sunday 18 November 2012

Israel is NESPRESSO, Gaza is TASSIMO

How come the NESPRESSO shelf at Morrissons is slowly annexing the TASSIMO shelf? I've got a TASSIMO, and i'm getting less and less choice!!!!! Bloody NESPRESSO. I've got a good mind to start firing cheap rockets into it next time i go shopping.

Wednesday 31 October 2012

Ruddy hell, it's LucasDisney!

So it's official. As NYC recovers from Sandy, Disney have bought Lucasfilm. Sequel trilogy to starwars to follow.

Woah. Let me take a breath. Ok, now let me get incredibly angry. Now let me calm down again. I'm not really that offended by this per se, i'm not sure when i last watched a LucasFilm erm film that i liked. It might have been Return of the Jedi. It definitely wasn't those bloody Ewok films (did they do those?). It DEFINITELYDEFINITELY wasn't that last Indiana Jones debacle (y'know, Indiana Jones and the Nuclear Fridge?).

I lived in the 80's when there was NO MORE STAR WARS. Return of the Jedi was it. Those characters were history, dude. There was a droids cartoon, and the ewok shit. But that doesnt count. For years i yearned for more, and there wasnt. Then i grew up, discovered booze, girls. Well more booze than girls. And then....a lifetime later, there was more Star Wars!!!! Yay!!!!

And it was shit.

It was the Phantom Menace. And god, it was....sooooooo bad. Liam Neeson made for a good Jedi but......

Well, i wont go into that one. The Prequels got a little better with the other two. But they were still shit!

Shit Shit Shit Shit.

Then there was a cartoon (The clone wars, not bad actually, but still based on the prequels), there has been talk of a live action show for years, dont know whats happening with that. Theres more Star Wars now than you can shake a hard, dry piece of Bantha poo at. And thats watered it down. There ya go, thats my two cents.

Monday 29 October 2012

Everyone i talk to about this, seems to have a name i hadnt thought of. Will be updating this throughout the day.

TV of Yesteryear Celebrity Pedophile Sweepstake

Ok, so obviously things are really busy at work, so I've spent valuable time compiling a list of possible celebrity Pedophiles, who might be arrested in the next few days as part of the Jimmy Saville Inquiry, so
in light of rampant & often baseless speculation, I've joined in with the paranoia through the medium of spoof..

I should also point out that none of this blog post is meant to actually accuse anyone of anything, and is written under the express assumption that only people i know / work with will be reading it. If you're ACTUALLY on this list, wait a second before you call your solicitor and consider for a moment....that i cant afford one.

I really must also point out that a lot of these are suggestions that are up under protest. Well not much of a protest, but come on, Rolf Harris? No-one thinks he's one do they?

Fictional Characters are not allowed. That includes Jesus.

Heres what i have so far:



Timmy Mallett
Michael Barrymore
Bruce Forsythe
Michael Parkinson
Keith Chegwyn
Tony Hart
Morph
Danny Baker
Paul Daniels
Noel Edmunds
Kenny Everett
Stu Francis
Russell Grant
Terry Wogan
Rolf Harris (Rolfs abuse club, you can join today)
Jim Bowen (There nothing in this game for two in a bed. Unless youre twelve.)
Christopher Biggens
The Great Sopendro
The guy who played “Grandad”
Anyone over the age of 40 who’s ever played an old man in a werthers original advert.
Tregard (Beardy bloke off Knightmare, invited children into his dungeon, made one of them put a mask on so they couldn’t see anything)
Ken Dodd
Tony Blackburn
Rod Hull (Theres somebody at the door. Theres somebody at the door! Yes. Its the Child Protection Unit)

An update from Julie in the office: 13:03

John Inman
Tom Baker 
Dick Emery

And some more idle thinking:

The entire cast of Only Fools and Horses
The entire cast of Last of the Summer Wine
Jeremy Beadle
John Virgo
Jim Davidson
Des Lynham
Pat Sharpe (I would never go to his funhouse. Which was just a cover for the 2 slovakian girls he had shipped in to wear skimpy costumes)
Bill Wyman
Jonathan King
Chris Langham
Alvin Stardust
Jon Pertwee
Una Stubbs
Cliff Richard
The Krankies
Ronnie Corbett
Hale &/or Pace
Rowan Atkinson
Peter Purves
Matthew Kelly
Henry Kelly
Clive Anderson
Des O Connor
Russ Abbott
Les Dennis